Tuesday began my second week on the Helpdesk job. Oh what joys. And I have found a new hobby - collecting silly things people say/ask for (no names will be used of course).

Last week the award went to the person who called to ask if two people who are not in IT were present today, (they work in a hall across campus) and then asked if I could see if faxes had come to them. I really wish omnipotence came with the job!

So far the cake has gone to the call in which I told the person to drag something to the desktop and they replied "What is that??" Although the people who don't know if their computer is a mac or a PC are amusing as well. "Umm... Oh I don't know. It's a Dell? What is that?"

I just keep a (not too big) smile in my voice and learn the gift of patience (even when they don't have it themselves).

^_^

Okay so here are the weekends that are already booked:

5/26 - My brother's graduation and party
6/2 - My other brother's wedding (4 day weekend for me)
6/9 - Crystal's wedding in Fort Wayne
June 27th to July 4th - Working at Cicerella Fireworks

Possible plans for other weekends:

Ren Fair with Erin, Robin, John, and Nate
Going down to Dayton to see Becky & Todd, and John's uncle
Chicago
Wine tour somewhere (I think they have some in Michigan)
Parties for HP Book, HP Movie, Pirates Movie
"Wicked" with my family in Chicago (!!!!!!!!!)
Virginia to see the Garza's if gas goes down and I get a long enough weekend
Just plain going home!!!

Can you tell I'm looking forward to the fact that I'll actually HAVE weekends, not just days when I don't have class but still have tons to do?

This semester sucked. Period.

Except for one little variable. John.

Erin: That's a nice STRONG name... *in low voice* John.

After a not so bad week of finals (because midterms were a b*tch) we packed up his life into a van and drove 12+hrs to meet his parents, siblings, siblings' signifant others, siblings' significant others' family, high school friends, and 2nd grade teacher. Not even kidding on any of those.

I return to the Bend tomorrow (Wednesday) where I hope to actually unpack in the house I'm living in for the summer and maybe go home for Sat & Sun. Then, on Monday, I start my 8-5 job at IT at Saint Mary's answering phones, hauling computers around campus, and hopefully reading my books for the 3 week summer course I'm taking from 6-9pm at night. Joy.

I am, however, looking forward to having a kitchen, a cupboard, a sink, a dishwasher (OMG!), washer and dryer senza coin slots, AND a garden where I plan to plant some wonderful tomato plants and hopefully a row of sweet corn. Mmmmm....

Let's see if I actually make some money this summer without spending it all on food and gadgets for "my house" :-)

Who wants to be with a guy who's favorite topic is himself?
and brings it up eight times a conversation?

Who wants to be with someone who doesn't care about hurting people?
because its not his feelings that are hurting?


Looks, wits, smarts, conversations are cool. Don't get me wrong. And a voice that can melt my earrings from my ears. Many talents - and many useful talents - are pluses.

But if you can't put someone before yourself...

If you can't understand human compassion...

If all life is to you is commands, controls, and conditioned behavior...



I don't think I want that.

I know I'm in a bad mood, but I just need to write right now. This isn't a omg, the sky is falling rant or ahhh my life is horrible rant. I'm just pissed. Plain. Simple. I will feel better in the morning (hopefully) but right now I just want a very large PUNCHING BAG.

Long weekend. A lot of good things happened. Rachel's shower went great, no major drama bc of the nose piercing, got most of my hw done, got to spend time with everyone.

But I'm still pissed.

And I can list what I'm pissed at.

Myself, first off.
Snow and snowy roads.
Cars, especially ones without any heat.
Stupid dances and the fact that I love them but have to go through hell every time I want to go to one with someone.
Unhelpful people.
People who lie to my face.

So this weekend was Chris' (my little brother's) TEC. Stands for Teens Encounter Christ. It's a retreat everyone from my parents to aunts to uncles, cousins, siblings and I have gone to. In our family, it's like a coming of age right or something. The whole thing lasts three days - each one dealing with Dying, Rising, and Going Forth, each in turn. They take away watches, cellphones, you name it and you're there by yourself (well, with the other retreaters) for three days. What they don't tell you is that on the second day, the "Rising" day, your whole family, friends, everyone who loves you trecks down to the small town in Ohio the retreat takes place at and surprises you for what we call a Hootinanny. For people who have never gone through something like this, it is an amazing feeling when you're making what seems to be a rough journey all by yourself and then everyone who loves you shows up, coming hours out of their way to be with you for only two short hours and help you on said journey. My siblings were one of the greatest part about my own TEC, their appearance and their care letters and a book which I still have. I was so afraid last year that Chris would make his TEC when I wasn't there to be at his HOOT bc I was in Italy, and half the reason I was home was to attend tonight. But for some reason I thought the HOOT was on Saturday night instead of Sunday, and I didn't think it was going to be as late as it was. It went from 6 to 8:30, and was an hour south of home, which is 2.5 hrs from school. Add to the fact that I'm supposed to work at 10pm on Sundays and I'm in trouble.

I emailed the cluscons as soon as I found out and no one answered. I know it was last minute but it's SUNDAY! Everyone is doing homework anyways! I deal with it though until I get to work. THEN, after I can't find anyone and I miss the HOOT, and everything else happens, the girl who works before me STAYS EVEN LONGER THAN SHE NEEDED TO. She STAYS! Meaning she didn't have anything better to do, but she just didn't feel like helping someone out.


And people could grow balls, too, and actually fess up to how they feel. I'm not so stupid as to not know what you really think. I'm sick of defending myself.




I really don't even feel like talking about the rest anymore.



I'm tired. I need chocolate. My period is probably going to be here in like two days. My papers aren't being what I want them to be. I didn't get back in time to be able to work out, which usually helps me de-stress. Add to the fact that I didn't get that much sleep this weekend (and it wasn't like I was up late partying) after a hellish week....

Get me out of Trumper and give me sleep.

And chocolate.

So my new-year's resolution didn't turn out quite as I hoped it would. But LJ is always there when I need it. Like now.

*le sigh*

In the last four months I have rarely had anything that has kept a perpetual smile on my face. It feels good again to to just stop - between homework, friends, and life in general - to remember something wonderful. The sad part is that the source of this happiness is the same as the beginning source (I'm not blaiming them for everything, but they were a good first ripple) of my hardships: a boy.

And while Nate (his full name is Nathaniel - why I am I so caught up on everyone's full names?? I feel weird calling people nicknames in reference) may look like he's 12 (according to Julie), he has proven himself (so far) to be more mature than the-two-who-must-not-mentioned-because-I-closed-the-door-to-them-and-they-don't-even-warrent-names-to-me-now.

Why does it take that to make me happy? A part of me is screaming at myself to stay single and reject him for the sole factor that I stay single for a longer period than two months so that I can find a way to be happy ALONE. Because I need to learn that. I need to have this perpetual smile on my face everday not because a man looked at me with true affection in his eyes that I could feel through my whole body and heart when he barely stroked my cheek with his knuckles. I need to smile every day because - no matter what mistakes I make or decisions whose effects I need to learn to live with - I am alive, I am working towards a wonderful future, and I am in a wonderful place with amazing people whom I love (and hopefully one day I can return the understanding and patience they have shown with me these past few months).

A lecture from Father Mark in Rome keeps on popping into my head. We were speaking about Psycho-sexual maturity. There's a lot more to the factors, but the part I can hear him talking about in my mind is that when two people whose maturity levels were different split, it will seem to be hard for the one (less sexually mature) person at first but it will soon fade. The other will need support and help because for them it is like someone has died and in some ways it has to be treated as such.

((I don't say this to simplify what happened or justify my response... but...)) In my heart, it has felt like this these past four months. Like someone has died and I can't let it go. I'm not good at mourning. With Andrea, I talked all the time about it. It took forever. With Phillip, I shut it all in and it almost killed me. The loss of my brother is still one of the hardest things anyone in my family has endured and it sickens me that I have to categorize my breakup with Trevor with him. Because Trevor wasn't worth it. I made it through Andrea's death, I (and my family) made it through the loss of Phillip and DAMN IT if I am going to let one man stand between me and happiness for the rest of my life!!!!

I'm ready to be happy.

I'm ready to be happy with myself. And by being happy with myself, I hope to share myself with someone who is wonderful. Like Nate. Wonderful, silly, dorky, talkative to the point of rivaling me, funny, cute, twig-ish Nate.

It may be a crush right now, but I have learned from the past, and I plan on using that knowledge to (1)go slow with EVERYTHING, (2)get to know him over time without speeding through everything, (3)never let him talk me into doing something I really don't want to do, and (4) allowing myself the knowledge that there is NO WAY I can know whether he is "the one" for many years and that that should neither hinder me from trying this nor give me a reason to give up. There are other lessons, but my point - at least in my heart - is clear:

I'm closing a door. It has taken months. But I'm closing it. And while before I built my house of confidence on the sandy "I have Trevor" foundation - now I am building my castle on the fact that I lived through Trevor and AM HAPPY. I am person with wonderful potentials. I still have a future, and the truth is this....

The Best Chapters of my Story are Yet to Come

There is something calming bout looking at old drawings of mine. As if through the children of my hands I cam connected to the simpler, filtered, and tangiable feels that created those drawings, separating me from the infested puddle of my own present confusion.

My pencil is a filter, bringing together every wayward thought, probelm, and fuzzy cobweb in my turmulted heart. Unsure whether they are dissolved into each other or simply just separated to the point of understanding, my fingers give birth to at least a tiny window of something that is, but will never fully be, me.




Ten years ago, I wanted to grow up and live that great story that every writer wants to write, and every artist wants to paint a picture of. I wanted to find love, and that psychotic inner-peace everyone is always babbling about. In it all, I wanted to find God, shining in his(or probably her) most glorious beauty clothed in truth, shining from every diamond corner of my life.

Now, 22 - wait, make that exactly 21 - days before I turn 21, I realize what growing up is. That it's not finding the answers, but continuing to search for them. When my mother was my age she was married and pregnant with her second child. She's no longer the all-seeing half-copy of myself that I always turned to for just the right words. She's a fellow traveler on this sometimes God-forsaken (just because she likes to keep a low profile) gravel road. My aunt is slowing nearing the point of death. Although some people might say that she's been at its doorway since she was diagnosed with MS when she was 18, I see the light that once shone from her soul, keeping her withering body alive, slowly fade. She has been forgetting things for a while. Like my grandmother had come to visit her like she did every day two hours before my parents come. She's seeing things, or at least I hope she is, for they are not the most pleasant of apparitions. And as I continue to write, I see my soul leaking into my words and I want to swallow them again. To write is to show your vulnerability, and mine comes with it's own sword and target.


If you're reading, I still love you, although I would never repeat that to your face. I've found that I can be a good actress at moving on. I just want you to be happy. As long as you are, know that I will be okay.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but part of me is still connected to the fact that right now would be Trevor and my 1st Anniversary. A part of me that just signed in saw his name on my list on AIM and wanted more than anything to IM him and say Happy Anniversary. For our monthly anniversaries we were dweeb (correct that - I was a dweeb) and would race to tell the other happy anniversary. I don't even know why anymore. The heart only remembers the important things I guess.

I walked in on my parents talking today. Mom was worried about me with today (it was tomorrow for them) being the 6th. Dad didn't understand. "It's just a day like any other day." Yes it is, but my heart cannot blind itself to the fact that it stands as a landmark for what could have been, and also what will never be. It's like the point of no return. Before this, part of my mind could have imagined what we could have been doing, saying, reacting with each other. After this point, there are too many variables.

Today also stands as the end of a bridge where I look back and see how far away the most wonderful week of my life was. There is no denying what happened. It was like I dipped my toes and tickled my fingertips on the surface of a wonderful and glorious ocean. My heart misses it and prays every day that it may find that one day again. I may not jump in holding the hand of the same person, but I've realized that I cannot hold, grasp, and control love, just as I cannot hold grasp and contain water. I can only submerge and envelope myself into all of it and let it succumb me to the point where most people fear. That is agape. That is love.










Today is the day of the Epiphany. I guess that is all I pray for.

No, I also pray that he is happy. With whoever, even if it's not me.

I took my first vacation without a notebook and without internet connection. Meaning I took vacation from writing. And you know what? It sucks. Well, lots of parts of the trip sucked but the fact that I did not write and I lost lots of what I COULD have written sucks major.

My New Year's Resolutions are to (1) Write More - aiming at everyday and LJ is going to help me THANK YOU (2) Make good decisions (it is less broad than it sounds) (3) Love myself as a single, independent woman who has a lot going for her future which starts today.

So now comes the writing. For someone who claims that I write better when I have my muse, I've found that I have a lot of times when the muse is there and I'M JUST NOT WRITING! This is bad. This is very bad. When people talk about abortion they wonder what we have lost from those lives that were just never given the chance... it almost like I'm aborting my own words by not writing them down when they happen! (that was a light comparison btw - I DO take abortion seriously). But seriously, I have had an overwhelming amount of passionate feelings in the past week that could have gone down on paper (and thus, out of me some days when I needed release). Writing is lethargic. Not even kidding. And what comes out of it can sometimes be handed in for publications (although that's only if you're REALLY lucky).

Sorry if this is just random babbling. If you want a recap on my week, here it is (can you tell I'm realizing that I'm running out of time on the internet?) While in New Orleans, I was stuck in the hotel for an entire day by myself throwing up and sleeping because I was sick while everyone else went out and partied. My boyfriend and I broke up while we were drunk on New Years Eve. We were stuck in the Super Dome for 15hr with no food or drink (we wondered if they were trying to make it a full- New Orleans experience). We had a sucky game in which our team and fans were treated horribly by the SugarBowl Committee in terms of preparation. Two words: Tiger Bait. And after being one of the last to arrive (minus the peopel whose flight were delayed canceled or they were thrown off their flight), I was the first to leave with my shuttle leaving the hotel at 3:30 for a 6:20am flight. Oh, and that was the night I was actually having FUN! There were good times thrown in there. In truth, I think it's a safe bet to compare my last semester to the bowl game. A lot of shitty things happened but I walked away from it still with a smile so something must have gone right and I'm at least happy on the road out of that part of my life.

CRAP! It's 1:20pm! I have to be at my grandma's in an hour! Wait... she just called - I have to be there sooner.... Anyways...

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

It here. And I'm home. It's weird to think that a year ago I was holding an umbrella over my head during the day and staying at the "Navigator" at night. Creepy place. Never stay there by yourself. Thank God for Michelle.

But now I'm home, and today starts Christmas in my eyes! Yes, I know it's only the day before Christmas eve, but when you wake up to your mother baking (or decorating something that you baked) with Kenny J in the background, you know that Christmas is here.

Whheeeee.....

Maybe part of it is that I have been completely bored with studying for GREs and searching for Grad schools and internships all week and I have just wanted something to HAPPEN, with other people to be with me. Chris is done with school and now basketball for a few days. Nick is home for a while. Becky and Todd get home tomorrow night. For a while we thought that it might just be Mom, Dad, Chris and I Christmas morning, but now the whole family is going to be together.

If I sound corney, deal with it. Because besides going to Christmas eve mass at the Vatican, I didn't have a Christmas last year. No tree, no snow (although I think God tried to have a sense of humor by making it pour all day), no lights, and especially - no family. Besides Michelle. ^_^

So now I'm eating this all up. Literally. I think I've gained weight since coming home. Maybe the Dining Hall is trying to help us when they make the food so horrible that no one wants to eat anything. We loose our appetites, eat less, and thus we don't gain 800 lbs. Maybe we should thank the Dining Hall for corrupting our minds by their horrible food. The end justify their means, right?

*Most of the last paragraph was sarcasm if people didn't get that*

Okay, I think I'll go help mom in the kitchen. Or I'll wrangle Nick into playing a board game with me. Yes, I said board game. I'm bringing some back to college so that we do more than just watch movies. Later I think we're going shopping (I have ONE more person to buy for) and getting last minute groceries for all the delectable meals coming up.

Mom likes to surprise us with what she makes us around Christmas sometimes. This is when it's nice to have at least some knowledge of the kitchen. She buys eggs and holandaise sauce and I start squealing and make sure she has the canadian bacon! Mmmmm... I'm hungry just thinking about it.

Okay,

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

BUON NATALE!!